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Sep 27, 2012
09/12
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this kind of bold vision from mitt romney, i am shocked that the latest "national journal" poll has obama leading romney by seven points! but folks there is no reason to panic. fox news will panic for you. (laughter) >> i think these polls in the battleground states understate romney's support. >> i don't believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin. >> i think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or two of the debates. >> stephen: yeah! after one or two of the debates. mid-october. give it time. (laughter) the romney campaign is only on their third reboot since the convention! we've had businessman romney, foreign policy romney, latino romney. (laughter) but we still haven't seen aqua romney! (laughter and applause) he-- (cheers and applause) he uses his mental powers to tell fish that 47% of them are just lampreys. (laughter) so conservatives, just forget about the polls! it is way too soon to start mourning the death of the romney campaign. and i am not in denial here, because that would mean i was starting the five stag
this kind of bold vision from mitt romney, i am shocked that the latest "national journal" poll has obama leading romney by seven points! but folks there is no reason to panic. fox news will panic for you. (laughter) >> i think these polls in the battleground states understate romney's support. >> i don't believe that the polls really matter until the debates begin. >> i think one of the first times that we should look at the polls in real sincerity is after one or...
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Sep 21, 2012
09/12
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and norfolks we might just be stuck with this barack obama fellow for four more years, folks, because mitt romney and really all republicans are facing a true challenge with the changing ethnic makeup of america. as south carolina senator and 9th grade dance chaperone lindsay graham recently explained, the demographic race we're losing badly. we're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long-term. yes, it's true. and if they are going to stay, republicans need to make more angry white guys. now of course the simplest solution is for them to purchase my new line of premium mail order sperm, formula 401 seeds of discontent. (cheers and applause) harvested from my "grapes of wrath" t is the same white male starter kit you know and love but in a limited batch especially produced while i was very angry watching gay porn. knock it off! give it a rest. seriously. still, with a dwindling supply of white republicans the gop has got to reach out. >> one of the biggest challenges facing the gop this november certainly will be winning latino voters. >> for romney to wi
and norfolks we might just be stuck with this barack obama fellow for four more years, folks, because mitt romney and really all republicans are facing a true challenge with the changing ethnic makeup of america. as south carolina senator and 9th grade dance chaperone lindsay graham recently explained, the demographic race we're losing badly. we're not generating enough angry white guys to stay in business for the long-term. yes, it's true. and if they are going to stay, republicans need to...
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Sep 18, 2012
09/12
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but my rage goes straight at barack obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim. >> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not to condemn attacks on our diplomatic missions but to sympathize with those who waged attacks. >> stephen: how dare obama sympathize with the attackers. he should have stood up against them like mitt romney did by attacking our president. (laughter) now it turns out, folks, when romney attacked him, obama hadn't said anything yet. (laughter) mitt was talking about a brief statement condemning religious bigotry put out on the web site of the cairo embassy before the attacks ever happened. so of course there came a barrage of attacks from the liberal media
but my rage goes straight at barack obama. you see, his buddies in the press are trying to make this crisis about mitt romney. who on the day of the a attacks courageously vowed not to campaign on 9/11. >> there is a time and place for that. but this day is not that. >> stephen: no. that day was not that. (laughter) turns out, that night was that. jim. >> governor mitt romney just releasing this statement. it's disgraceful that the obama administration's first response was not...
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Sep 14, 2012
09/12
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obama is way down on the money opposite mitt romney. how big of a difference do you think that will make over the next two months. >> some. >> stephen: request obama win this one. >> can win it but there is a huge money advantage. i mean to be perfectly blunt about t the polluters and the financers are really getting behind the republicans. >> stephen: you mean the job creators, did you come here tonight on a bicycle. >> come to think of it i came in on a colbert report lincoln navigator. >> stephen: all "the colbert report" cars burn panda meat. >> if the republican message is we built it, what is the democratic message next week going to be. >> i think the democratic message next week is going to talk about some of the things that president obama has-- and joe bidesen right. general motors and bin laden, bin laden is dead but they really have got to talk about what does he want to do the next four years. and i think if he does that i think he'll be fine. >> stephen: he whispered to medvedev if he gets re-elected will have more flexibi
obama is way down on the money opposite mitt romney. how big of a difference do you think that will make over the next two months. >> some. >> stephen: request obama win this one. >> can win it but there is a huge money advantage. i mean to be perfectly blunt about t the polluters and the financers are really getting behind the republicans. >> stephen: you mean the job creators, did you come here tonight on a bicycle. >> come to think of it i came in on a colbert...
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Sep 22, 2012
09/12
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bottle, folks, because we are all suffering right now under the fatal-- failed presidency of barack obama. and don't tell me rescued the auto industry. because the last time i checked the 2013 chevy malibu doesn't even come with a heated steering wheel. what are we, bangladesh? now clearly, clearly america is suffering a leadership gap. especially when you put obama up next to a true conservative, russian president and shirt allergy suffererer, vladimir putin. my friend putin here is a strong leader who has long inspired all of us with his manly courage. he's cross bowed a gray whale. he's tranquilized a polar bear and evidently roofied a siberian tiger. not pretty, but that's how you make thunder cats. (applause) as putin himself has written, he enjoyed, quote, events involving the participation of fauna. (laughter) he enjoys it. for instance, he set the bear trap. then the bear participates in it. folks, you want leadership, recently to train some birds who were raised in captivity putin pilotted a hang glinder at the head of an endangered siberian crane migration donning white overalls
bottle, folks, because we are all suffering right now under the fatal-- failed presidency of barack obama. and don't tell me rescued the auto industry. because the last time i checked the 2013 chevy malibu doesn't even come with a heated steering wheel. what are we, bangladesh? now clearly, clearly america is suffering a leadership gap. especially when you put obama up next to a true conservative, russian president and shirt allergy suffererer, vladimir putin. my friend putin here is a strong...
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Sep 28, 2012
09/12
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obama didn't build that. obama is not cooking that up. >> i know. in some ways he is a success story, right. >> he is, he hasn't outsource to india. he is making it right in the good old usa. >> stephen: every season he expands. they are into europe now, right. >> they are into the czech republic, yeah. that is great market for him. >> yeah. >> stephen: i don't know. i don't really know much about the meth trade. now do you ever worry that by having such a successful show that you know kids watch the show. and they might you know, grow up to think it is sort of glamorous and attractive to be a chemistry teacher? going to get suck mood the dark world of education. >> the dark world of education that, i would be very pleased if that were the outcome. >> stephen: you write about this, did you dover it to see what it was like. >> no. we pay a pa to do that and then we-- . >> stephen: no! that is wrong. that is wrong. you get the interns to do it for free. (applause) when the series is over are you going to be glad to have the character out of your head.
obama didn't build that. obama is not cooking that up. >> i know. in some ways he is a success story, right. >> he is, he hasn't outsource to india. he is making it right in the good old usa. >> stephen: every season he expands. they are into europe now, right. >> they are into the czech republic, yeah. that is great market for him. >> yeah. >> stephen: i don't know. i don't really know much about the meth trade. now do you ever worry that by having such a...
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obama. he controls the weather. i mean we should have known, all black people can control the weather. (applause) very informative documentary, by the way. it's where i learned that bald people can implant thoughts in your mind. out of my head, carville. i don't want to picture mary matalin like that. oh, oh-- oh, she worked out. folks, speaking of mind control, bill clinton gave a speech last night scheduled for half an hour which just wrapped up a few minutes ago. (laughter) and i would add hit clinton started strong. >> we are here to nominate a president. (cheers and applause) and i've got one in mind. >> stephen: unfortunately, barack obama defeated her four years ago. (laughter) luckily, luckily bill had another option. >> i want to nominate a man who is cool on the outside. >> (cheers and applause) but who burns for america on the inside. (cheers and applause) >> cool on the outside, burns on the inside. now at first i was excited because i thought the democrats had nominated a half microwave burrito. sadly,
obama. he controls the weather. i mean we should have known, all black people can control the weather. (applause) very informative documentary, by the way. it's where i learned that bald people can implant thoughts in your mind. out of my head, carville. i don't want to picture mary matalin like that. oh, oh-- oh, she worked out. folks, speaking of mind control, bill clinton gave a speech last night scheduled for half an hour which just wrapped up a few minutes ago. (laughter) and i would add...
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Sep 19, 2012
09/12
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obama supporters are nothing but lazy parasites! get a job! (laughter) folks, it's not just the welfare queens mitt's talking about. get this: the 47% who don't pay federal income tax are mostly elderly, children, and the working poor and u.s. military personnel deployed in war zones who are exempt from paying federal taxes on combat pay. see? romney mentioned the troops in a speech! (laughter) but-- but of course-- (applause). give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of course, went after mitt like a poor person going after a basic need. (laughter) so-- (laughter). so romney threw together his second hasty press conference in one week. i believe these days he just wears a harness with a curtain and flag mounted to his back. (laughter) and, folks, i am proud to say mitt romney stood his ground! >> you're not stepping away from anything in this video? you're not backing away from anything? and do you worry you've offended this 47% who you mentiond? >> well, you know, it's not elegantly stated, let me put it that way. i'm s
obama supporters are nothing but lazy parasites! get a job! (laughter) folks, it's not just the welfare queens mitt's talking about. get this: the 47% who don't pay federal income tax are mostly elderly, children, and the working poor and u.s. military personnel deployed in war zones who are exempt from paying federal taxes on combat pay. see? romney mentioned the troops in a speech! (laughter) but-- but of course-- (applause). give it up for mitt romney! (applause) but the liberal hounds, of...
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you know the obama team has got to be watching that but hang on that's a nine. (laughter) totally different integer, i do not see that coming. now let's compare that with last week's numbers, 14 and 3. so obviously toes have changed. one is higher, someone lower, not sure which, i'm just eyeballing this at this point. not sure what it means. of course, if you're talking internet communal links, these days right now you're talking about cloud computing. okay, there's the cloud. obviously that's just a metaphor. the actual cloud much larger and in the sky. okay. (laughter) let's check out tonight's big number. okay. 11,394.5. holy (bleep)! that's a decimal! (cheers and applause) who knows? who knows? who knows what it could mean? the number of the people at the convention, my bar bill, the height of everyone in charlotte added together then divided by five, we will have full team coverage on this. our top minds, chinese guys, the whole deal. i promise you more on this number as i have to fill time. (laughter) we'll be righ everybody, thank you so much, folks. (che
you know the obama team has got to be watching that but hang on that's a nine. (laughter) totally different integer, i do not see that coming. now let's compare that with last week's numbers, 14 and 3. so obviously toes have changed. one is higher, someone lower, not sure which, i'm just eyeballing this at this point. not sure what it means. of course, if you're talking internet communal links, these days right now you're talking about cloud computing. okay, there's the cloud. obviously that's...
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Sep 20, 2012
09/12
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[cheers and applause] yes, president obama will not take god off our coins. and that is so important because right now just like god the value of our currency really has to be take on faith. [ laughter ] plus, you know, you know it means a lot to god to get a shoutout on a nickle. [ laughter ] that's why christ threw the money lenders out of the temple, they wouldn't let jesus shine the schekles. the fact that. barack wants to remoist is unbelievable. don't believe me? no one believes it. in fact -- [ laughter ] -- press secretary jay carney says the president believes as much that god should be taken off a coin as he does that aliens should attack florida. do you hear that elderly in florida? president obama didn't believe aliens should bring you youth restoring cacoons. whereas n a romney presidency? >> we will never be sick, we won't get older and we'll never die. >> stephen: which is also mitt romney's medicare plan. this is the idea of making promises not to do things no one has ever said they want to do. [ laughter ] but folks there's still so much -- t
[cheers and applause] yes, president obama will not take god off our coins. and that is so important because right now just like god the value of our currency really has to be take on faith. [ laughter ] plus, you know, you know it means a lot to god to get a shoutout on a nickle. [ laughter ] that's why christ threw the money lenders out of the temple, they wouldn't let jesus shine the schekles. the fact that. barack wants to remoist is unbelievable. don't believe me? no one believes it. in...
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Sep 18, 2012
09/12
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that (crowd chanting "obama") >> you have my permission to vote. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," everybody, it's good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen... (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, i've got to say, after an ovation like that there is only one thing to be said: i accept your nomination as host of this show. (laughter) well, folks, welcome to the "report,". it was night one o of the democratic national drum circle last night. (laughter) and i am sad to say it was a disaster. (laughter) first of all, it was beset with technical difficulties starting with the audio. all night there was this constant buzzing roar. it was like... (laughter). it's hard to describe. jimmy? (cheers and applause) yeah! yeah, that was it! what was that? (laughter) you can barely hear the speeches. they didn't have that problem at the republican convention, i'll tell you. (cheers and applause) they know how to do audio. and mr. brit hume knows exactly what i'm ta
that (crowd chanting "obama") >> you have my permission to vote. (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report," everybody, it's good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen"). (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen... (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, i've got to say, after an ovation like that there is only one thing to be said: i accept your nomination as host of this show. (laughter) well, folks, welcome to the...
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Sep 11, 2012
09/12
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it was barack obama obama. it was barack obama. well, that is reason enough not to vote for this guy, because you can not trust a leader who won't tell you the truth. we will be right back. >> >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. my guest tonight is the former governor of utah, and ambassador to china, wow! that guy should run for president. please welcome jon huntsman! hey!. governor, ambassador, sit down. how are you, sir? thank you. do you like governor? do you like ambassador? your excellency? what do you prefer, sir? >> you know, haverhill who used to be governor of this state he was once ambassador to the soviet union and ran for president, he was asked the same question, he said i like governor, because that was a job given do me by the people. >> stephen: that's nice. >> so that's my answer. >> stephen: very nice. >> stephen: the fact i am on this show, stephen would suggest otherwise. >> stephen: now that you are here, not in tampa, where the convention is going, do you go to every republican convention
it was barack obama obama. it was barack obama. well, that is reason enough not to vote for this guy, because you can not trust a leader who won't tell you the truth. we will be right back. >> >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. my guest tonight is the former governor of utah, and ambassador to china, wow! that guy should run for president. please welcome jon huntsman! hey!. governor, ambassador, sit down. how are you, sir? thank you. do you like governor? do you...
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it was barack obama obama. it was barack obama. well, that is reason enough not to vote for this guy, because you can not trust a leader who won't tell you the truth. we will be right back. [ male announcer ] while many automakers are just beginning to dabble with the idea of hybrid technology, it's already engrained in our dna. during the golden opportunity sales event, get great values on some of our newest models. this is the pursuit of perfection. >> >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thank you so much. my guest tonight is the former governor of utah, and ambassador to china, wow! that guy should run for president. please welcome jon huntsman! hey!. governor, ambassador, sit down. how are you, sir? thank you. do you like governor? do you like ambassador? your excellency? what do you prefer, sir? >> you know, haverhill who used to be governor of this state he was once ambassador to the soviet union and ran for president, he was asked the same question, he said i like governor, because that was a job given do me by the people.
it was barack obama obama. it was barack obama. well, that is reason enough not to vote for this guy, because you can not trust a leader who won't tell you the truth. we will be right back. [ male announcer ] while many automakers are just beginning to dabble with the idea of hybrid technology, it's already engrained in our dna. during the golden opportunity sales event, get great values on some of our newest models. this is the pursuit of perfection. >> >> stephen: welcome back,...